God is faithful, yes, but what does that actually look like?

God's faithfulness, wow, where to begin?  This is such a huge topic with so many things to be said.  For now I just want to share what I have recently learned about God's faithfulness, and would love to hear from some of you and your lessons, as well.  I believe there is so much we can learn from each other if we would just allow others to speak into our lives without that competition thing rising up inside of us...but that is a whole other subject....
While I have always been taught that God is faithful, and have always believed He is faithful, I never thought to stop and think about what that actually looks like in real life, with real circumstances that can seem so overwhelming at times.  For the first time in my life I feel like I am at a place with God where I know that I can ask him questions, serious questions, and He wont get mad at me or leave me.  I know He is here to stay.  It has taken me a long time to get to this place with him.  But when I saw this piece of scripture, it confirmed to me and became real to me that my questions don't change who He is.  He is not threatened by me asking sincere and honest questions about life.  That my questions don't some how take anything away from him.  Also, that God wants our honesty, he wants us to come to him with honest hearts.  That is how we grow and learn.  He knows our hearts and minds anyway, right, might as well be up front with it so He can help!  The scripture is found in Hebrews 4:15-16, it's talking about Jesus:

"For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are-yet was without sin.  Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need."

This says to me that because of Jesus, I can confidently, and some versions say boldly, approach Gods throne to find his mercy and grace for anything that I need!  Beautiful! 
A few weeks ago I allowed some circumstances to overwhelm me.  I began to put most of my focus on it instead of Jesus, and I allowed my emotions to begin to dictate my actions and thoughts.  It was messy and hard, and thankfully I have an amazing supportive husband who kept me grounded, and was there with me to talk it through, encourage me, and pray with me as I desperately searched for answers from God.  I began to think about us and what we were dealing with, and many of our friends who have been faced with such difficult things this past year, and it lead me to this question: "OK God, I know you are faithful, but what does that mean?  What does that look like when real life happens.  Things that are out of our control that seem so unfair, so unjust.  God, what does it mean?"  I was completely broken, and in a place where I believe others in this same place have decided to turn and walk away from God, because their mind could not make sense with what their heart was saying.  For the first time in my life, I felt that.  I knew in my heart that God is faithful, I knew in my heart he had a way, a plan for us.  That his plan is good, but my mind could not understand that when I was looking at what was going on.  And my mind wanted desperately to make sense of it all, it demanded answers, it demanded justice.  I was in the most vulnerable place spiritually.  I felt like what I believed was crashing around me, I was broken.  But grace cried out to my heart, and grace pulled me into a place of safety, security, and support from the arms of my Abba Father.  A place where I could cry out to God and ask in complete brokenness and desperation, "God, what is your heart for me and my family?!  God, show me your heart."  It is here, in this place that He began to show me things I have never fully understood.  I believe God allowed me to get to this place for this very reason.  It is essential for the life of any believer to be able to grasp the meaning of God's faithfulness.  And as I reached out to friends, I found I am not the only one who has wrestled with this very question.  It's not a question of is God faithful, but what is faithfulness?  I began searching in my bible for scripture on faithfulness, and found so many!  As I began to read some of them and write them down, my mind began to understand my heart.  It was an amazing thing :)  There are so many, but here a just a few of my favorites:

"Know therefore that the Lord your God is God; he is the faithful God, keeping his covenant of love to a thousand generations of those who love him and keep his commands."  Duet 7:9

"For the word of the Lord is right and true; he is faithful in all he does.  The Lord loves righteousness and justice; the earth is full of his unfailing love."  Psalm 33:4-5

"For great is his love toward us, and the faithfulness of the Lord endures forever. Praise the Lord."   Psalm 117:2

One night in the midst of this before I went to bed, I prayed for God to show me something in a dream that would reveal his heart for my family.  That night I had a horrible dream.  I will spare most of the details, but it was of Chad and I, and our kids.  Chad and I were fighting, we were hurling insults at each other, talking to each other so disrespectfully.  We were fighting about drugs, finding out that we were both addicted....it was awful.  It was the complete opposite of what our life is like.  I woke up that morning thinking about it, and I heard the Lord say, "that is a snapshot of your life with out me in it."  Wow... humbled, amazed, grateful, thankful....yes!  The Lord then began to show me all of the things in my life that He has given us, blessed us with, things that I have not even seen.  I was so busy looking at the things I didn't have and praying for the blessings I wanted, I didn't see or even thank God for everything He has given us.  Including my marriage that would be nothing, and possibly non-existent with out God.  My children who are beautiful, healthy, and love Jesus.  Our life and time together, our interactions, our memories we have together...blessed beyond words.  So much sometimes I could just weep, because I now know what it could be like if it weren't for Jesus.  If it were not for God's faithfulness to us, His love for us, His mercy, His grace, we would not have Jesus.  We would not have a hope, a future.  So what does God's faithfulness look like?  It looks like Jesus.  It's his love and faithfulness to us that made a way, a plan for us, even when we deserve the pit we put ourselves into, Jesus made a way out.  It means a steadfast love that wont ever leave, or stop.  It will never let us go or let us down.  It means blessings beyond our imagination, joy and peace in the midst of life's circumstances.  It doesn't mean that things will always work out the way we think they should.  It doesn't mean that the road will be easy, in fact I can guarantee it will be bumpy, and there will be hurdles and obstacles to overcome, but because of Jesus we can overcome them, and we can push on to victory, knowing that the faithfulness of God has made a way for us through Jesus.  It means no matter what, He will never leave us or forsake us.

A lesson in patience for me...

So the last few weeks have been a bit draining to say the least.  All 3 of the kids have been sick at least once, Kellen actually got sick two times.  On top of that Chad and I have also been sick...needless to say I have been a bit tired, so have the kids.  A tired mommy and tired kids = a crabby mommy :(  Anyone relate?  Anyway, I was getting ready this morning after already breaking up several fights between Elijah and Hannah, thinking to myself "Is it really only Tuesday?!  How am I going to make it through the rest of this week?  Lord, please help me.  I don't want to be crabby with my kids.  I really want to enjoy our time together, but right now they are driving me a little nutso :) "  Then the Lord kindly reminded me of something He has shown me before, that I forgot.  But once I put into practice it really changed my day around.  I'm sharing it because it really has helped me and I'm hoping it helps someone else too.  God was teaching me a little bit about patience, which with children is a lesson you begin to learn very quickly, and can sometimes be a daily lesson :)  Anyway, I found myself praying for more patience several times a day.  Especially when Hannah and Elijah were both in diapers, and both totally dependent on me for everything.  God began to speak to my heart about where patience comes from ( at least for this mommy ).  He lead me to 1 Corinthians 13:4, which says "Love is patient, love is kind."  Love IS patient!  God began to show me that my problem was not that I was just short on patience, but rather short on love.  Hang in here with me for a bit, and let me explain.  Of course I love my children, and there is a love a parent has for a child that is unexplainable at times.  But I am human, with limitations.  Even the best moms loose their patience and get frustrated with their children, because we are human!  But there is one who's love is truly unconditional, not bound by human limitations or emotions or hormones....hello!  A love that is so beautiful and whole that sometimes I can't even begin to comprehend how awesome it is.  And I know that it is real, because I have encountered it and it changes me every time!  God's love.  I think the thought of God's love sometimes trips us up a little bit, at least it has me.  Because I am too tempted to compare God's love to the love I receive from my human relationships.  A love that at times can be conditional, and can disappoint at time.  I am no expert on love, or God.  And I'm just learning how to study the bible, but I saw this piece of scripture that I think adds to what God is showing me. 1 John 4:16 says, "And so we know and rely on the love God has for us.  God is love.  Whoever lives in love lives in God and God in him."  God is love!  Love is not just something that God shows us, or gives us.  Love is who God is, God is love.  He can't not love because that is who He is!!!  And not just what our human perspective of love is, but a perfect, unconditional love that never fails.  So what God showed me was that if I am feeling drained and flat out of patience, instead of just praying for more patience, I need to pray "God fill me up with your love.  Let it be your love that flows out of me to my kids!"  Since love is patient and kind, when you are full of God's love and begin to pour it out to your kids, or spouse, it will be patient and kind!!  So, I did that this morning, I prayed just that, and it is amazing how God turned my attitude and day around!!!  I am also learning that taking the time out of my day, meaning getting up before my kids, to spend time with God in His Word is the best way to "fill up".  And I have found the days that I do that, I don't feel so drained by the end of the day.  I have more energy and lots of love to pour out!
Anyway, like I said I'm certainly no expert.  I am learning as I go, but I just thought this was too cool not to pass along.  I hope it encourages you today!

Choosing Joy!

Last week I watched helplessly as my 4 year old daughter, Hannah, came down with a really awful virus that developed quickly into croup.  All of the sudden she was coughing so hard she couldn't breathe.  I don't know if there is anything worse as a parent than to see your child so sick, and struggling to breathe.  We have watched all 3 of our children go through this at some point.  Elijah with his asthma, and Kellen right after he was born.  Its a horrible feeling as a parent to see that.  Oh, how it makes your heart ache.  I took Hannah immediately into the bathroom, shut the door and turned on a hot shower, and we steamed for about 10-15 mins.  The next morning we were in the doctors office for an emergency breathing treatment with epinephrine to open up her airways.  We watched her fever go as high as 103.5, causing her to be a little bit delirious, talking about things that we didn't understand.  As I sat on the couch that evening, my heart aching for my little girl, wanting to do something, anything to try to help her.  But there was nothing else we could do.  Her body just had to work through it.  I was praying for her silently when the thought of the crucifixion and death of Jesus entered my mind.  I began to think about God sending His one and only Son to earth knowing the excruciating pain that he would face.  It was a reminder to me of just how much God loves us.  He knew that the only way for us to be saved, for us to be together, would be to send His only Son, Jesus, to painfully take on all of the sin of humanity.  God watched as they beat him, and hung him on the cross with nails in his hands and feet, and watched him struggle to breathe as he hung on the cross.  I was reminded that God does know our pains, our sorrows, our struggles.  He knows the difficulties we face as parents.  Peace began to wash over me as I could feel the love of my God and my Saviour wrap His arms around me.  It was almost as if I heard him say "It's OK.  I understand your heartache.  But fret not my love, for I have overcome the world.  I have defeated the power of death. Fear not, for I am with you. I will bring you through this. Rest in my love tonight and be restored."
I think so many times we allow ourselves to so overwhelmed with our current circumstances that we forget what Jesus did for us!  Because he died and rose again, we can walk in victory, we can overcome every single day!  Even if the circumstances don't change, or things don't go the way we would like them to, we can rest in His love and be restored daily, knowing that God loves us.  He sees us.  He knows what we are going through, and He is right there just waiting for us to ask for Him.  We can choose to walk in peace and joy no matter what we are facing!  That is the true freedom of Christ!  But it is a choice.  It is not something that always comes easily.  Sometimes we just don't feel like it, and it would be easier to feel sorry for ourselves and allow discouragement to settle in.  But with Jesus, we have the choice to overcome.  Stand up, believe and receive the freedom that Christ so mercifully and graciously has given to us!  I'm choosing peace and joy today, and everyday!

What's a Mom to do?!

I learned a difficult, but valuable lesson the last few weeks.  Honestly, it's a lesson I've learned before, but for some reason it just didn't stick the first couple hundred times :)  I'm really hoping that if I write it down, that I will remember it so I don't have to learn it again!!  Let me start by saying I love my children, and I love being home with them, most of the time.  But lets just be honest, there are times when I don't love it, don't like it, and want to be anywhere but home.  Come on, I know I'm not the only stay at home mom who has had those days.  And you now what, it's OK to say that!  Lets just be honest with each other, being at home with kids all day everyday is HARD!!  While it is the most rewarding job, and it brings a heart more joy than I could comprehend, the day to day tasks of raising children, primarily disciplining children, can at times feel like an uphill battle.  Last week, I found myself in a pit.  I felt like the harder I tried to dig my way out, the further I fell down.  I came to a place of complete and total brokenness as a mom ( which is where my previous post "Blood Stained Grace" came from).  My 4 year old precious daughter, Hannah, has reached a place in her life where she feels the need to push every single boundary her loving parents have set for her.  She is what some may call, strong-willed!  I look at her sometimes and wonder "where did you come from?"  Any of you who really know me, especially my mom, dad, and sisters, are probably laughing because it is clear that she directly inherited that trait from her mother!  Anyway, it felt like everything with her was a battle, and I mean everything.  She was sweet and polite, until I asked her to do something.  Then oh my goodness, look out!  Here came the attitude!  I mean she had that look in her eyes, hands on the hips, and a sassy "No, I don't want to."  And me, being the strong-willed mother that I am,  looked right back at her with the "what did you just say to me" look, and the battle was on.  There where days when I spent more time disciplining Hannah, than anything else!  By the end of the day, I was a mess!  I was moody, angry, and just exhausted.  I felt like no matter what I did, nothing was working!!  I was ready to throw in the towel and give up.  But I just couldn't.  I love Hannah far too much to allow her to live her life with this defiance towards her parents.  I explained to her that only destruction will come into her life with that attitude.  And that mommy and daddy love her too much to let her walk through life like that.  We want God's best for all of our children, all of His blessings poured out on them.  But we know that will only happen if they walk in obedience to their parents, and their God.  I was heartbroken for my daughter, and at a total loss as to what to do.  There was no way I could continue to battle with this girl day in and day out.  I wouldn't last.  Plus, I had hardly any quality time with my boys since my attention was occupied with Hannah.  And, my poor husband, who by the way is so sweet and so understanding and supportive, only got my unloading and my wrath at the end of the day.  Not so good for a marriage either!  So, as I've been thinking about and praying about my girl, and what to do, I heard from the Lord clear as day, "Marissa, why don't you just ask me for help?"  It was so simple, yet so profound at the same time!!  I looked back over the last few weeks to try to figure out what happened.  Here I have a loving God, who holds the universe in the palm of His hand.  Who has the resources of heaven at His disposal.  Created the earth and everything in it, including my daughter.  And instead of me reaching out to Him for help, especially in a time where I needed Him the most, I pushed him away.  In my foolishness and my pride, I pretty much told God, "I've got this one, Lord.  Thanks but no thanks."  And in doing so created utter and complete chaos in my house.  Why do we do that?  Why would we turn down the help of our creator, our God?  Why do we think that we can somehow do it better than Him, when time and time again we mess it up?  I've learned that God cares about the details of our lives.  He cares about the nitty-gritty of our crazy days.  Not only does He care, He wants desperately to be a part of those details.  He wants to help.  All we have to do it ask! 
1 Corinthians 9 says this, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."  God is not looking for perfect moms, perfect wives, or perfect women.  He is simply looking for us to admit that we can't do it on our own.  That we need Him everyday.  I'm thinking about my power compared to God's power....um, I'd really rather have the power of the God of universe working through me than mine!! I don't want to live a life where I try to portray that I have it all together, but at home I feel like more often than not I'm literally just trying to survive my days.  I'm not enjoying my kids like I'd like to, and we just aren't having any fun!  I am choosing to say to the Lord everyday, "God, I need your help!!  Please pour out your grace over me and my children today!"  I know we will still have hard days, but at the end of the day I want to be able to look back and see the evidence of the Holy Spirit in our day!

Blood Stained Grace

This week I was faced with the reality of just how ugly my selfish nature is.  I am humbly reminded that I cannot survive a day without the unending Grace of God.  Grace that flows so freely, so mercifully from my love and saviour, Jesus, who gave his own life so that I may walk in the freedom that comes from this precious and beautiful gift.  As I am raising my children, 5, 4, and 1, I am learning more and more what an amazing gift Grace truly is for me.  A gift that so many times I choose to leave tightly packaged up in the beautiful box that has been sent to me, wrapped in love and sealed with the blood of the lamb.  If I could just grasp the intensity, the beauty of what is inside that box.  Today, I pulled that box down off of the shelf I had stored it on.  Not sure of what I would find inside, I began to carefully pull back the wrapping paper. The wrapping paper was none like I've ever seen before.  It was covered with writing, and the same blood that sealed the box was somehow woven like a piece of lace through the words.  I pulled it closer to read it, and I began to see the words come together.  As I read, a love story emerged from the words.  The story tells of a King who fell deeply and madly in love with his beloved one.  But, as he tried to love her and pull her close to him, she began to pull away from him.  She was being pulled in the direction of another.  Not knowing that death and destruction awaited her, she turned her face from him, and began walking away.  The King grasped her hand, and began to walk behind her speaking and singing softly to her love songs, trying to get her to turn her head back towards him.  If he could just get her to gaze into his eyes once more, he knew she would stay.  But she kept walking.  As they continued, the King saw a battle ahead of her that would surely take the life of his beloved, but somehow she could not see the danger she was would face.  He began to sing a little louder, but she ignored him and continued to walk.  The King knew that the only way to save her life would be to go before her, to battle for her, and ultimately give His own life to save her.  This story seemed so familiar to me, it felt so near but somehow distant.  Tears flowed freely down my cheeks as I looked down at my hands, realizing that they are covered in the very blood that was used to seal it.  I ran to the sink to try to wash it off, knowing that there was a life that was sacrificed for that blood to seal my box.  A life that I was so unworthy of.  The blood wouldn't wash off, and as I looked at my hands, I saw the blood begin to graft itself into my skin, going into the very blood vessels that run through my body bringing my flesh life.  I could almost feel the blood reach my heart.  My heart felt somehow fuller, healthier.  I felt life flowing through my body again.  Suddenly I heard something.  It was faint, but I could almost make out the sound.  It was a song, a song that I had heard before.  I remembered the box, realizing the song was coming from it.  As I knelt back down to open the box, I saw a tag on it.  It read "To my Beloved, Love your King".  I was swept over by a wave of emotions.  Joy and peace soon overwhelmed my soul.  My King, My King...Yes, I remember!  I was taken back to the first day we met and fell in love.  It was though I had never left.  I flung open the lid to the box in anxious anticipation...could it be?  After all of this time, after all I have done and said, could he still want me, still love me?  Inside the box was a book with my name on the front.  I picked it up and opened it.  I began to read the story of a young girl who fell in love with a King...my story.  The pages were filled with the stories of my life.  Some of the stories were my victories in life, some of love and romance.  Some of joy and peace.  Some filled with pain and sorrow.  Feelings of defeat, helplessness and hopelessness.  Some of loneliness and isolation.  Some of the stories were of my mistakes, things I've said and done that I felt shameful of.  I closed the book and held it tight to my chest.  I didn't dare let anyone read my thoughts, my mistakes...it was too painful.  As I looked up, my tear soaked eyes where met by another's, my King.  Here we were face to face again.  I wept and looked down in shame.  He put his hands on my face to lift it up to meet his again and so softly said, "My beloved, why are you crying?"  I couldn't open my mouth to respond, but it was as if he heard my thoughts.  How could he love me after reading this?  Why would he possibly want me back?  I was holding on to the very stories that took me away from him.  I was so ashamed.  What could I possibly offer to him?  Then gently he said, "Beloved, give me your book.  It's OK, you can trust me."    Everything in me wanted to hold on to that book as tight as I could.  I wanted to bury it where no one would ever find it.  But something in me knew that this would be the only way, I had to let go.  My hands were shaking as I handed it to him.  He carefully lifted it out of my hands and simply said, "I love you".  He then handed the book back to me and said "It is finished."  As I opened it I saw the same blood that covered my hands now covered the pages of my book.  The blood was so dark that I couldn't read the words that described the mistakes and defeat.  They where gone.  The thoughts, the words I said.  All of it, gone.  It was almost as if the blood washed them away.  I wept again.  But this time fell tears of joy, gratitude and love.  I began to feel an overwhelming sense of peace again.  My heart was beating strong for the first time in a while.  I looked up to my King, smiled, and said all I could think of to say, "Thank you.  Thank you."