Finding Strength in Brokenness

     I am home with sick kids today.  They are currently watching their umpteenth cartoon, so I have some time to sit and write.  I wanted to share something that's been stirring around my mind the last few weeks.  Brokenness.  For many years I fought being broken.  I always had the mindset that I needed to be strong, independent, and keep myself together.  If you haven't met me face to face you may not know that I have a pretty strong personality.  Those of you who do know me might be thinking "pretty strong" doesn't do it justice... Ha!  I am not ashamed of my personality, even though there have been many who have tried and are still trying to change me.  This is what God gave me, and I know it's for a purpose. Do I need some work, uh yes.  Always growing and changing... aren't we all?  But I do know I will never fit into other peoples boxes of "expected behavior", or "appropriate religious way of living, talking, or thinking".  I just don't fit there.  I have a tendency to say inappropriate things, push boundaries, and stir the pot.  I'm convinced this is why God has put such amazing, strong, loving, and understanding people around me.  Starting with my husband, who for reasons beyond my understanding, loves me with this crazy strong personality.  Don't get me wrong, being strong willed definitely has its advantages, like when it comes to working out and loosing weight.  I refuse to quit and I work hard.  But it has made it incredibly hard for me to ever let myself be broken. In the past when I pictured myself broken, I saw the bottom falling out, and everything falling apart.  I couldn't see past that.  That seemed like an end to me, not a beginning.  Clearly I thought I was the one holding myself together, and my fear of failure wouldn't allow me to fall apart.  What I didn't realize was the amount of energy it was taking to "hold myself together".  If you've read my last several posts starting with "My Unraveling" posted in January, you now know how well that turned out for me.  The bottom did fall out, and I fell apart.  And I am truly grateful.  That was an end to a hard journey, and the beginning of something beautiful.  Now on the other side of all of that, I have a completely different view of brokenness.  I am not afraid of it anymore.  I learned so much through my brokenness.  More than will fit into one post.  So for today I will share just a couple of things.
    
     The first thing I learned is that God is not ashamed of my brokenness.  In fact, He didn't even seem all that surprised by it.  Instead of showing me all of my failures that led me to that place, and pointing a disapproving finger at me, He met me, face to face in my brokenness, and loved me.  He held me, and showed me that He is the one who holds me together, so I don't need to any more.  I can rest knowing that even when I fall apart, He never does, so brokenness is a safe place in His arms. 

    The other thing I found in a place of brokenness was strength, incredible strength.  It surprised me.  And it wasn't the kind of strength I was used to.  It wasn't my strength, or my strong will.  I didn't have to come up with it - I couldn't.  I didn't have the energy to be strong.  It was a strength that came from within the depths of me.  It didn't remove all of the hurt, there was still much healing to be done.  But it was a strength that got me out of bed each day, and held me up.  I now understand the verse in 2 Corinthians 12:9 that says "My grace is sufficient for you: for my strength is made perfect in weakness."  I never understood this verse before last years unraveling.  There may be more context to this verse than just emotional brokenness, but for me right now, it resonates.  Before, when I thought I was the one holding myself together, I was making a choice to not trust in Gods grace for me.  I didn't trust that He would catch me, hold me, or love me if I fell apart.  But there He was, even in my unbelief.  It was His strength in me.  Now I can rest knowing that I don't have to be strong all the time, I don't have to exert so much energy to hold myself together.  He holds me together.  There is so much freedom in this place.  I don't have to be the strong one.  He is.  I can safely and securely rest in Him.  I don't have to fear pain or failure anymore, because I've experienced His sufficient grace.  I failed in some of the worst ways, and yet He was still there, loving me.  I faced incredible amounts of pain that had been kept in my heart for decades, and He healed me.  His grace is sufficient for me.

    Let me leave you with this today - Do you trust in Gods grace for you?  If you haven't yet, are you ready to let go, stop trying to hold yourself together, and allow God to take you through a process of facing your pain and finding healing?  I know it seems scary, but take it from someone who has walked through it, it's worth it.  You are worth it.  God's got you.  He is holding you together so you don't have to.  He is safe.  You can let go and experience His strength in your weakness, His wholeness in your brokenness.  Healing and wholeness is for you too.  What are you waiting for?

" ...to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the LORD for the display of his splendor."  Isaiah 61:3

My Life, an Open Book

Last summer I was driving home from yet another trip to the grocery store to buy more food to feed my kids unending hunger.  The radio station I was listening to was talking about a breaking story.  A family lost their young child in horribly tragic circumstances.  In my mind I went there, I put myself there and imagined what it would be like if that was my family.  I was crying.  My heart ached for this family imagining the kind of pain they were in.  I asked God, "How will people who don't already know you're good, ever know your goodness, especially when stuff like this happens in their lives?"   I heard "Through your life, and others like you."  Others like me?  I didn't really understand what that meant, but at the time that answer satisfied.  A few months later I heard "Will you be open and vulnerable?  Will you let your life be an open book?"  With out even hesitating I said "Yes."  I was surprised at how quickly I responded, and with out any fear or anxiety.  That confirmed healing had been happening in my heart.  I didn't know yet what that was going to look like, still don't really.  But I don't need to know.  I am trusting, resting in God's goodness and grace.  I know this will not be free of challenges and trials, but I also know that God is good, and He will not ask me to go anywhere He hasn't equipped me for.  And He will never leave me.  I now really know this because even when I told him to, to leave me alone, He didn't.  He had an out, He could have said "Ok then, you think you can do this with out me, I'd like to see you try.  Good luck."  No, He stayed.  He heard me.  He saw me, the real me.  All of my anger, pain, doubt, fear - everything.  He wasn't ashamed of my brokenness.  He wasn't even surprised by it.  He loved, He supported, He understood.  He was my rock at "rock bottom".  Knowing this I can keep moving forward, step after step, guided and held.  Even if I fall, He is still my rock at the bottom so what do I have to loose now?  So... here I go... 
My last several posts were easy to write and share because all of that represents the old me.  I'm not that person anymore.  To keep writing and sharing I have to share who I am now, the new me.  The truth is I don't know her all that well yet.  We are just getting to know each other.  Everything still feels new, even months later.  So here's where I can start.  I can tell you the things I am thinking about, struggling through, contemplating, and what I am going to be intentional about this year.  Today, I am thinking about my dreams.  I don't have many right now, so mostly what I want my dreams to be.  I am nearing the end of an era in my life.  We just signed Nolan, my youngest, up for preschool next year.  For the last 12 1/2 years I have been home raising kids.  Next year all of my kids will be in school.  Nolan only for a few hours a week, but it feels like a milestone.  And now I have to decide what I want to be when I grow up :)  I am struggling with it, honestly.  It's a strange tension.  I am crazy excited at the thought of not having babies or toddlers to take care of 24/7.  And the thought of having a life outside of kids is also quite exciting for me.  The struggle is I don't want to get a job.  HA!  I would really love to just enjoy a kid free, quiet house.  Listen to my music as loud as I want.  Dance all day.  Eat what I want, when I want, without having to share ANY OF MY FOOD! Oh, and getting to finish a cup of coffee while it is still warm without having to reheat it a billion times in the microwave!! But, alas that won't pay the growing bills...  thus my struggle ;)
Alright in all seriousness, going forward I can promise I will do my best to be open and honest.  I by no means have anything all figured out.  I plan to keep learning as I go.  One thing I have learned so far through feedback from many of you is that we all face a lot of the same daunting questions.  We are all on a journey with God, and they all look different and yet the same.  I'm learning that we need each other.  And we need to see each other, really see each other.  And truly hear one another.  We all have so much to share.  Speaking of sharing, I would love to hear from you!  Would you comment on this post or on my Facebook page and tell me where you are reading from, and how you found this blog?  This blog has traveled to many countries and I am interested to know how.  I would love to know who my readers are.  I think you may need a google account to comment???  Not 100% sure.  Also, to "follow" this blog so you are emailed when I publish a new post, you need to go to "view web version" at the bottom of this post, and there is a blue bottom on the left side of the page that says "follow".  Thank you again for all the love and support!  It really helps on the days when discouragement tries to creep in and keep me from coming back to the computer.  :)