My Life, an Open Book

Last summer I was driving home from yet another trip to the grocery store to buy more food to feed my kids unending hunger.  The radio station I was listening to was talking about a breaking story.  A family lost their young child in horribly tragic circumstances.  In my mind I went there, I put myself there and imagined what it would be like if that was my family.  I was crying.  My heart ached for this family imagining the kind of pain they were in.  I asked God, "How will people who don't already know you're good, ever know your goodness, especially when stuff like this happens in their lives?"   I heard "Through your life, and others like you."  Others like me?  I didn't really understand what that meant, but at the time that answer satisfied.  A few months later I heard "Will you be open and vulnerable?  Will you let your life be an open book?"  With out even hesitating I said "Yes."  I was surprised at how quickly I responded, and with out any fear or anxiety.  That confirmed healing had been happening in my heart.  I didn't know yet what that was going to look like, still don't really.  But I don't need to know.  I am trusting, resting in God's goodness and grace.  I know this will not be free of challenges and trials, but I also know that God is good, and He will not ask me to go anywhere He hasn't equipped me for.  And He will never leave me.  I now really know this because even when I told him to, to leave me alone, He didn't.  He had an out, He could have said "Ok then, you think you can do this with out me, I'd like to see you try.  Good luck."  No, He stayed.  He heard me.  He saw me, the real me.  All of my anger, pain, doubt, fear - everything.  He wasn't ashamed of my brokenness.  He wasn't even surprised by it.  He loved, He supported, He understood.  He was my rock at "rock bottom".  Knowing this I can keep moving forward, step after step, guided and held.  Even if I fall, He is still my rock at the bottom so what do I have to loose now?  So... here I go... 
My last several posts were easy to write and share because all of that represents the old me.  I'm not that person anymore.  To keep writing and sharing I have to share who I am now, the new me.  The truth is I don't know her all that well yet.  We are just getting to know each other.  Everything still feels new, even months later.  So here's where I can start.  I can tell you the things I am thinking about, struggling through, contemplating, and what I am going to be intentional about this year.  Today, I am thinking about my dreams.  I don't have many right now, so mostly what I want my dreams to be.  I am nearing the end of an era in my life.  We just signed Nolan, my youngest, up for preschool next year.  For the last 12 1/2 years I have been home raising kids.  Next year all of my kids will be in school.  Nolan only for a few hours a week, but it feels like a milestone.  And now I have to decide what I want to be when I grow up :)  I am struggling with it, honestly.  It's a strange tension.  I am crazy excited at the thought of not having babies or toddlers to take care of 24/7.  And the thought of having a life outside of kids is also quite exciting for me.  The struggle is I don't want to get a job.  HA!  I would really love to just enjoy a kid free, quiet house.  Listen to my music as loud as I want.  Dance all day.  Eat what I want, when I want, without having to share ANY OF MY FOOD! Oh, and getting to finish a cup of coffee while it is still warm without having to reheat it a billion times in the microwave!! But, alas that won't pay the growing bills...  thus my struggle ;)
Alright in all seriousness, going forward I can promise I will do my best to be open and honest.  I by no means have anything all figured out.  I plan to keep learning as I go.  One thing I have learned so far through feedback from many of you is that we all face a lot of the same daunting questions.  We are all on a journey with God, and they all look different and yet the same.  I'm learning that we need each other.  And we need to see each other, really see each other.  And truly hear one another.  We all have so much to share.  Speaking of sharing, I would love to hear from you!  Would you comment on this post or on my Facebook page and tell me where you are reading from, and how you found this blog?  This blog has traveled to many countries and I am interested to know how.  I would love to know who my readers are.  I think you may need a google account to comment???  Not 100% sure.  Also, to "follow" this blog so you are emailed when I publish a new post, you need to go to "view web version" at the bottom of this post, and there is a blue bottom on the left side of the page that says "follow".  Thank you again for all the love and support!  It really helps on the days when discouragement tries to creep in and keep me from coming back to the computer.  :)