It was the beginning of summer. All 4 kids were home on break. Our house was filled with noise and activity. All the noise and business of my life could not drown out the thoughts that still consumed my mind, my life. All day these thoughts circled around and around and around. It was what I dreamt about at night. How? Why? What? How did I get here? Why am I in this place, and still feeling nothing? What happens next? God? Do you love me? Do you know me? Is this a game? And am I loosing? Am I a total a complete failure? Did I miss something, forget to do something, go the wrong way, make the wrong choices? Everything I knew and believed was now being viewed through a lens of doubt. At this point the fear had left, because I felt I had nothing to loose anymore. I knew Chad and I would get through this together, and we would continue to love and raise our kids to the best of our ability. That was all that mattered. Family. And somehow, someway, I was going to find a way to have fun again. That was settled. I knew I was in process, and it might take a while, but I was going to laugh and smile again. I had to. The choice became clear, either choose to face this pain, and walk through the process of healing and letting go of it, whatever that looked liked. Choose to continue this very honest, raw, and open conversation with God, and maybe get to know Him in a way I never have. Or I could choose to walk away from God, which would mean closing my heart up for good, because there was no way I was facing that pain all by myself, so it would just have to be shoved back down again. Seeing this in writing makes that choice look so crazy. Why would I even consider that? Here I was in the midst of destruction from continuing to shove that pain down instead of truly facing it. I was watching the consequence of that decision right before me, and yet I truly thought about trying to shove that pain back down yet again. That shows the power I had given over to this pain and baggage in my life. I was choosing to face it, and choosing to be completely submitted to the process. I didn't understand, and I was filled with doubt and uncertainty, yet peace was still there. I had no idea what this was going to look like, or how long it would take, but I couldn't go back to that way of living again. This was my time to heal.
In the beginning of June Chad and I had an opportunity to go away for a couple of days for our anniversary. It was a chance for us to enjoy each other again, and have some fun. We spent dinner just sharing our hearts. Checking in on each other to see where we were in the process. Chad had his own journey he was on. We found that we were both pretty much in the same place. A whole lot of uncertainty. Emotions at this point had started coming back to me. They would kind of come and go. I would be fine in a moment, then in tears the next, angry again the next, confused the next, back to okay again. I was kind of all over the map. It was nice to feel alive again, even if I was sad, I was alive. I really enjoyed my time with my husband. It was life giving and fun. We were happy together, and that was a gift. Even in our pain and confusion, we were walking forward together. This was the one relationship destruction would not touch, we wouldn't let it. After dinner and some shopping we decided to run into a Walmart close by to pick up some snacks for the night. We walked in the front door and there was an employee greeting everyone. He was on the other side of the door from us. He looked straight at us, said hello, and made a comment about a shirt Chad was wearing. He engaged us in conversation. At first I was a bit annoyed. We were on a date. And I had decided not to talk to people anymore. I had nothing to give to anyone. Opportunities to love on people had come up that last few weeks, and I just told God "you better send someone else, because I am not your girl today". But here was this man completely opening up to us, perfect strangers. He shared about his 4 children and his confusion over all of them growing up to be republicans even though he was a strong democrat. We laughed. He told us he was a professor at CU Boulder, this was a part time job. We talked for several minutes and were just about to walk away when he called me by name. At this point we hadn't exchanged our names, so my first thought was "He's prophetic! And he has a life changing word for us!" I think he saw the excitement on our faces and pointed to the Starbucks cup in my hand with my name written right on the front...duh. We all laughed a little, then I had a thought. Maybe we should offer to pray for him? Hmm, that's weird. I felt completely powerless and empty still. But there was something gently moving me to extend the offer anyway. He was in a wheelchair and had braces on his legs. So in conversation we asked about that and he told us the story of his injury. I asked if we could pray for him. His face lit up, and he said yes. We laid our hands on him and prayed over his body, his relationship with his kids, and blessed him. He was incredibly grateful and told us "You just made my day". We said our goodbyes and walked into the store to buy our snacks. This feeling came over me, it felt good! I could see it on Chad too. All the sudden we were smiling, really smiling. It was like my spirit was reminding my body what life felt like. I remembered, this is what it feels like to love and to be loved. For months I hadn't been reading my bible, listening to worship music, or even going to church regularly. And I definitely did not "feel" love inside of me, or "feel" Gods presence like I had known it. And yet, in a way only God can, He loved that man through me and Chad. He could have sent another Christian who was doing all these other things, like reading their bible and going to church every Sunday. He could have picked someone who was "more qualified". Someone who at the very least believed that God loves them. Yet, He chose us. In our absolute brokenness and pain, He sent us. We were at a place in our lives where we could no longer do, we had to just be. In that place God loved us, and loved through us, and my heart, mind, and body came back to life. This was a turning point for me. That 5 or 7 minutes with a stranger had opened my heart back up again. Imagine that, healing for my broken heart while simply loving someone else...I have a feeling that's gonna come back up again later. Lets just let that sit for a minute and settle. Is it possible to find healing for our own brokenness by loving someone else in theirs??? We were so excited about this encounter. I remember telling Chad in the car "This is what I remember loving about ministry. Just loving people and watching them experience Gods love." That is everything. That to this day is what brings me to life. Somewhere along the journey I'd lost that. I had become such a doer, working so hard to earn approval and love from God and people around me. I completely wore myself out, ran myself into the ground. That's what broke me. Carrying pain and baggage for decades was exhausting, and it kept me closed off to everyone because I was so afraid of someone seeing that pain and ugliness and rejecting me. At the same time I was working so hard to earn love and approval, to fuel me to keep going, and to fill a void, yet not letting that love in because that would mean opening up my heart more and revealing more yuck.... does any of this make sense? I don't know yet that I fully understand what my mind was battling. As I keep writing I see more. So I apologize if this doesn't make much sense :) I trust that God is bringing this out for a reason though. Clearly I am still healing. I'm thankful for 2016, because me breaking down was the catalyst for all that was about to happen in my heart. I would never recommend this way though. Its painful and destructive. There is a better way, but this was the path I chose. That night as we drove back to the hotel our hearts were starting to fill up again. Not full, but not empty anymore. It was like we were in a dense fog, but suddenly a ray of sunshine was starting to peek through. Hello hope.
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