My Unraveling

I have been inspired to share my story, my journey.  Why?  Honestly, I don't know.  The truth is my journey seems quite boring if I compare it to many around me.  Yet here I am typing.  I guess my hope is that somewhere along this leg of my journey I can connect with you out there.  That maybe our journeys share similarities.  That by being open and vulnerable we can start to see each other on a different level.  Perhaps we can learn from each other, relate to one another, and even if only through social media, connect.

I've been going over and over again in my head about this, trying to decide where to start.  I'm 35 1/2 years into my journey.  A lot has happened.  But to really understand where my ideas, perspectives, and opinions will be coming from I have to walk you through 2016.  This is the year I was saved from myself.  Things happened in me last year that I don't yet even have the words for, but I'm hoping as I type they will come.  Lets start in the beginning of the year.  Chad and I were at the time small group pastors at our church.  We were headed into the 3rd year of that particular ministry.  We also have 4 kids, 4, 7, 10, and 12 years old.  We had been serving in ministry for many years in several different functions.  I loved it.  I love ministry and I believe wholeheartedly in the mission of local churches.  I loved the team of people we ministered with.  Truly, they are amazing people.  But something was going on inside of my heart that was just not good.  I knew it, I'm pretty sure the people around me knew it too, but it felt out of my control.  For decades I had been carrying around pain and all kinds of baggage from my past.  There had been moments of healing over the years.  In those moments I would get a glimpse of hope that someday I would be completely free from it all.  I knew it was possible, I had heard stories and testimonies of others being set free.  I believed in the promise of God, I mean I was a pastor for goodness sake!  I knew it was Gods heart for everyone else, but something was stopping me from believing fully that freedom was for me too.  I didn't deserve it.  I hadn't yet performed enough, wasn't good enough for it.  It was a part of me, it was comfortable even.  It was my crutch, my excuse.  Actually looking back, I'm not sure I wanted the freedom.  I think I liked being able to play the victim card.  How about that for honesty?!  It was the only way I knew myself.  Without all that pain and baggage, I didn't know who I was.  It, at the time, defined me.  And the thought of letting go of that was incredibly scary.  Hello fear.  Back to 2016 - our life at the time was extremely busy and totally chaotic.  I felt like every day I was running just to try to catch up with my life.  Simply surviving, not at all thriving.  I could feel the chaos in my family, and knew that I was missing things with my kids, my husband, and definitely not taking the time to take care of myself.  I saw it all happening, but didn't know how to stop it.  I was totally out of rhythm, and growing more and more exhausted everyday.  I felt tense all the time, and so tired all I could do was cry.  I started having weird medical things pop up in my body.  My emotions were all over the place.  My relationships were feeling strained.  I could feel resentment towards ministry starting to creep in.  I did not want to be that person, but I could not see a way out.  I had put so much pressure on myself to perform perfectly, to not let anyone I love down.  No one else had asked this of me, I did that to myself.  I was so afraid of failing, and even more afraid to face what was going on inside of me that I just kept running.  Even knowing how unhealthy it was and seeing the damage it was doing to me and my family.  I had allowed myself to be overrun with fear and doubt.  Fear of failure, fear of rejection if I failed, fear of loosing love from the people I aimed to please the most .... fear fear fear.  Not a great way to live.  I was a perfect storm brewing for a huge explosion and melt down.  And, it happened, in the worst way possible.  I had finally reached the end of myself, no energy, no life, no love, no grace for anyone around me.  All the things that I could use to cover up my pain and keep it silent for a time, it was all gone.  I became completely consumed with myself because I felt so awful.  There was nothing in me that could even see the people around me.    I was armed and loaded with fear and insecurities, all it took was one spark for an explosion....a huge, massive, ugly, destructive explosion.  It took me out, and almost completely destroyed one of my most precious relationships.  More on that later.  I totally and completely unraveled and out it came, my pain monster.  There was nothing I could do to stop it.  It had been fighting its way out for far too long,  but I had always just shoved it back down.  I no longer had the energy to contain it.  It burst out of me and showed its ugly face.  Here I was, face to face with my pain.  It was huge.  Bigger than I even knew.  And so ugly.  I lashed out at the people around me, screamed, yelled, cried.  I felt myself reverting back into a little girl.  The little girl that first birthed this pain monster.  The little girl that in brokenness and pain, welcomed this pain monster into her heart, not knowing the depth of destruction it would bring in her life.  I became her again - lost, sad, unsure.  Everything I knew as truth up to this point suddenly became so unclear.  I could not see any truth, only pain.  It was almost like an out of body experience.  I knew it was happening, but I couldn't believe it was me.  I watched as my pain monster ravaged the people who were unfortunate enough to be in the same room.  I hated every second of it.  I hated myself.  I was desperate to stop it, desperate to shove it back down again.  I couldn't let everyone see this, this is my ugliness, the worst part of me, and there it was, out, and there was nothing I could do to undo it.  I was completely and totally revealed, unraveled, vulnerable... it felt awful.  I could feel myself trying to hide, wanting to run away and never look back.  I felt so angry, so ashamed, so much pain I couldn't sleep, couldn't think about anything else.  For weeks I lived with my pain monster on the outside.  And there was no way to get it back in.  My only thought at the time was "God, you completely set me up for failure.  How could you?  Why?"  Here I was, having been a Christian my whole life, served in church leadership for 10 years, a pastor for 2, and for the first time in my life I finally was having a get real moment with God.  This was not a game anymore.  This was my life, my future, my family's future.  And I was done.  Then, all the sudden I felt nothing.  No pain, no anger, no fear, no joy, no happiness, no love... nothing.  I was completely empty, and totally exhausted.  It was the most honest and real place I had ever been with God thus far.  Because I didn't have the energy to work to earn love and acceptance anymore.  I had nothing to give.  I had finally been brought to a place of total gut wrenching honesty about how I felt about God.  Who he was to me, and if I even believed what I thought I believed.  Here began the most honest conversation I've ever had with God which began the healing of my heart.  Next time I will share how over the next few months, I was saved from myself.